The other day my friend Alexa asked me ‘what element I considered myself?’ The question had me stumped, especially since I’ve been going through some kind of identity crisis lately so answering the question seemed impossible.
She deemed me worthy of being Fire. She claimed I always set passion in whatever I apply myself to. I was flattered.
I now reflect on how certain traits of Fire are similar to some of the traits that I have, or consider myself to have.
Fire is passionate, warm, and provide light in the darkest of times. These characteristic are ones that relate to me the most. I have a burning passion about things I apply myself to. I consider myself kind and comforting to those that are most important to me. I also consider myself a guiding light to those that look up to me, no matter how lost I feel right now, I still feel as though I am still guiding people.
Fire is also self-destructive, and can cause harm to others. I have been feeding myself with good and bad actions for a while not that the fire that burns within is destroying me. I have hurt people that I would never intentionally harm, and have failed to apologize to them about my actions. The flame has begun to be uncontrollable and it is starting to devour me inside.
Fire is beautiful. My life is very trying especially right now, but like I said I am very passionate about everything I apply myself to. I will overcome my sin, because I believe I was destined to do great things, as well as, becoming a great role model.
A role model that went through sin, but overcame them because the Cross burns so deeply within his heart protected him from being consumed by guilt and anger at himself.
The misconstrued image of an ideal life and of an ideal friend lead most of us to hold unreasonable standards for ourselves and for others.
My life at the moment seems like I’ve forced myself into this big white room and everyone is having a good look at the mental patient that once had it all and is now falling apart. I want nothing more than to have a successful life. Many achievements I could one day share with my family and then take comfort in the fact that I would support them no matter what. I wanted to finish school, work my way up in a business that I love, and constantly be challenging myself everyday. I had this story written in my mind, every single detail was placed accordingly, and mistakes were not part of my story book lifestyle.
My closest friends have felt so distant lately. They hardly know the details of my life anymore and it seems as though confiding in them is no longer an option. They see me as this person striving to achieve his passion, a role model, a leader. If they only knew. If they knew what I have done, If they knew the challenges I’ve had to trek through, and the faults I’ve made along the way. I wonder if they’d still feel the same way.
Have you ever wondered if you were completely honest for one day, and you told your friends every single secret you’ve kept, every dark detail, and then tell them the dreams you once had that will no longer come true, Would they still look at you the same? Will they still see you as the same person or will they see you as a liar that plastered on a smile with a facade to match for your own selfish reasons?
These people you call friends, the people you love most, they are going to disappoint you, they will hurt you more than any other human being. If you aren’t able to forgive them you are going to end up alone. Loneliness may not be as bad as we portray it to be. No judgments, nothing to be insecure about, no one talking behind your back.
I see them, watching me in this big white room I trapped myself in, pointing, and wondering with their piercing eyes how they will be able to twist my story to the public to make it more disgusting than it already is.
No matter how bad the journey may seem I will smile. I will smile because in the end I know my story will be victorious.
I wrote this as a reflection of how I am feeling at the moment. Lent has given me time to reflect on my life and how to improve certain aspects of it. I know after reading it that it may seem dark and confusing to hear, especially from me. I am being honest. My story is one filled with hope and passion to journey with Him so that I will reach a place in my life which I can consider heaven on earth.
This is going to sound very naive, but Lent for awhile to me meant giving up something that could benefit me (ie. diets, stop swearing), and took nothing on to replace what I would remove from my life for that 40 days.
A good analogy of this is like going on a diet but not exercising. So I would lose all the weight but gain nothing from it. Then when the 40 days were up I would indulge in my object of desire just as quickly and just as much or even more. So the entire process was merely building up my craving.
I’ve challenged myself this Lent is to realize Who I Am in His Eyes?
I have been so busy with moving forward, looking to the future, all of it was such a rush, and now that I’ve got some time to finally build up who I am as a person I plan on taking advantage of it. I want to clearly define who I am, to show people that being truthful, honest, faithful, passionate, and a loving person is still an object of desire for some people.
I want to offer up every single sin that has been part of my life the past 19 years, the
lust, the greed, the anger, the insecurity. All of that is His, and my journey this Lent is to continue to thirst for the blood of Christ and may He fill me with His blood when my journey is over. The blood that represents his forgiveness and his undying love for us.
I ask that you pray for me. Pray for my success, and Pray that I continue to thirst and hunger for holiness.